one mistake can change your life completely. for better, for worse.

in my case…worst. 

i haven’t seen your face in weeks. i haven’t felt your embrace, i haven’t heard your voice. nothing. i am nothing to you. 

take me back to when i made my first mistake and you held my hand and said you’d forgive me and stay by my side. take me back to when you begged for me to never leave. take me back to when you were absolutely crazy in love with me.

what have i done?

what can i say?

i went crazy, i still am. can i help it? not exactly

you see my mind is filled with pretty fucked up images, memories. my ears still ring with the curse words and insults and sobbing of the little girl in my dreams..or rather, nightmares. tears fall from my eyes everyday. your face runs through my head over and over every second of the day. i am beginning to forget what it felt like to be next to you. to wake up in the morning and see your beautiful, perfect face. ben it just won’t stop hurting. it just won’t stop. tell me how this is going to be okay like you used to.

i know i messed up. i know i don’t deserve second chances. i know i don’t deserve you.

but your voice. your touch. your everything. it was all mine. it was the best gift i could ever ask for. you made my life beautiful. your jokes, your obnoxious laugh, your good intentions. God i miss it all. 

what i would do to take back the past three months and rewind to when we were crazy in love….i would do absolutely anything.

i love you, Ben. i really am absolutely in love with you. so much it hurts.

lately, days have been passing by too slowly. it’s exhausting. i feel like i’m being dragged along by a choking collar at the neck, someone..something forcing me to move along. if there is not future ahead of me, then why did i give her up? why did i choose to make the decisions i did? the decisions that have affected my life for the absolute worse these past couple months.

i am a stranger to my own being. i find fault within every aspect of my mind, every inch of my body. ugliness. despair. 

caked on makeup, new clothes, jewelry, food, boys. 

does it all help? i am yet to tell.

i am still finding my way without you. it isn’t easy. it’s one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do next to letting her go. i can’t let go of you. i just can’t. and i know you want so badly for me to just let.go. 

the truth is i am absolutely in love with you. since day one. 

i lost that. i lost that and i was lost myself so many, many times. and i know i don’t deserve chances. i don’t deserve your heart. i don’t deserve your presence. oh God, i know.

round and round.

i have hope. it disappears. once again, i hope. it shatters.

you see, this is the circle that i despise. 

we cannot continue this way. in the end, it will destroy us both. until either of us disappears…shatters.

i look in the mirror and i see the scars, the bruises.

i look and i see pain.

you look. and i hope you hate yourself for what you did.